One of the hardest parts of being a Submariner’s wife is the single parenthood. It gives you a whole new appreciation for parents who genuinely do it all on their own, without a phantom other parent out there. It’s not always the parenting alone that is hard; it’s the in and out of the other person.
We all love the Daddy at our house and we treasure our time with him, but there are times and moments when I wish he didn’t come home. Daddy is gone “dive, dive, plunk” in the ocean is much easier than I don’t think we get to see Daddy today (only for him to show up five minutes before bedtime.)
I have very few complaints against my husband (and that’s saying something because we are both human). The following should not be taken as slights against his character or even as things I hold against him. When he is ‘home’, he can be a bigger burden than he is a help. He has needs. (Get your mind out of the gutter…) Dirty clothes, food, shopping lists, things in our fridge and pantry only there when he is home, an alarm clock that goes off well before the sun even contemplates rising, emotional support, personal touch, etc. The general needs of another human who depends upon you to take care of things inside the doors of your home - not because they don’t want to help but because by the time they get home they are so tired they fall asleep between the first and second ‘go’ in Go Dog Go. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be there to support me, but that he has nothing left to give. And that is ok most of the time.
I understand this is for a season and won’t last forever (Oh, Please Mr. Detailer let us leave before another deployment.) But it is hard to constantly be readjusting to life keeping track of a husband’s needs, and then life with an empty bed. Throw in kids who wake up some mornings (always when you need to get out the door early), obviously in need of extra love and attention because they are missing Daddy and are feeling a little lost without him, (‘No buddy Daddy won’t be home today, remember he’s dive dive plunk under the ocean. Yes, I will cuddle with you for a bit.’ ), and it can feel like you’re drowning.
It is hard enough to need your better half and have no way of knowing if they will even get the email you just poured your heart into (or who else will have read it before them), much less be able to respond in any sort of timely manner to assuage your inner turmoil. But then strap on a brave face, make up a game, hang a map of the boat’s journey across the globe, count out hershey kisses for all the day’s he’ll be gone, hug a daddy doll, make it ok to cry and be sad but somehow teach them resilience and strength. Search the internet, pediatricians, and therapists for new ways to help a 2/3 year old cope with not one but four major life changes at once without literally pulling all of his hair out. Give up on potty training or taking away a pacifier because those are two small things your small child can control and they literally might push him over the edge - all while dealing with the looks people give you when they realize your now pushing 4 year old isn’t potty trained and is still using a ‘pat’ at night to sleep. (Literally to hell with other people - but it piles up… know what I mean?)
I am not writing this or posting it to my blog so you’ll feel pity for me. I’m not writing it because I want you to say you’re sorry. I am writing it so you’ll understand why sometimes I am 15 min late, or why I don’t join in the how’d you potty train your kid convo. I am writing it so that some other submariner’s spouse (or SWO or Army or Air Force, or Marine, etc) out there knows they aren’t alone. I do know that it can help to pull you back from a dark spot or a particularly down moment to simply read in someone else’s words what you’re going through. Plus I think we all need a reminder that sometimes before you judge others, and make the face that makes their day harder, we need to stop and realize we have NO idea what they are struggling with. So I hope this has been as helpful for you to read as it was for me to write. Thanks for reading it.
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