Five years ago Today.

            During the five months that my husband and I were engaged, we had quite a few books suggested to us as ‘must reads.’ I cannot for the life of me now remember what any of them were, just that I read or skimmed at least three or four. One thing I remember almost all of them said, is that it is important for your own personal romance and for your children for you to tell the story of how you fell in love often. I came to think of it as one of those stories that you love to hear, but you know almost every word. In the first year of our marriage we told the story tons, and I remember I wrote it out in a journal I can’t now find. But at some point in the last couple of years, I have tired with the story. There might be a line or two I find embarrassing. In the first year I assumed everyone wanted to hear it, and now I assume when folks ask, “how’d you two meet?” they want the quick one sentence answer – “At a St. Patrick’s Day party.” I do not assume they want the long version which starts something like this (Note: if “At a St. Patrick’s Day party is enough for you – stop reading here).

            It was St Patrick’s Day 2007. A friend of mine from law school and I had become entrenched in a group bible study that had lots of Naval Academy graduates in it. We might have been a Bible study but we were also a social network and spent many evenings and almost all weekends hanging out. As single females in law school, we had realized that the moment we started studying law we shrank the pool of available men to an almost invisible puddle. After two years of it, we had determined engineers, doctors,  lawyers, and naval officers were about the only available men who had enough… we’ll call it moxy to deal with ‘strong’ women.

            I had gone out the night before to celebrate with another friend and had admittedly had too much of the best alcohol Ireland had to offer, so I volunteered to be the designated driver. We were excited because one of the Academy grads was throwing a party at his house, and it would be one of the few times he would invite the guys from his submarine to come over. In other words, new meat, I mean men.

            SPD (St. Patrick’s Day from here on out b/c it is way too long to keep typing – I know lazy millennial) is also in the middle of March and as any basketball fan knows, that means the only college basketball worth watching is on tv – March Madness. I was sitting on one of the sofas talking with a friend about a dinner party I was going to come co-host at his house to show the Yankees some good Southern food when some guy started wrestling with Brandon Webber (another friend) in the corner right next to us. I believed he was trying to get my attention. Later I moved to another spot to be able to focus on the game (Florida was playing and would later make the SEC proud and win the whole thing). The mysterious wrestling gentleman in a green shirt (imagine that) wound up sitting next to me. I don’t remember much of our conversation or how it started. But then he said he was converting to Catholicism. I was intrigued. I had never heard of much less talked to someone who grew up a protestant Christian converting in adulthood. He knew the word transubstantiation. I was impressed.

            Somewhere at this point in the conversation, Ray (a friend of the wrestler) came in from the ping pong table, which was set up as beer pong for the night, to retrieve the wrestler for his turn. He politely waved Ray off. Ray came back. He waved him off. Ray returned for his beer pong partner a third time, and this time I said “Beer pong with Ray or cute girl and basketball, I think he’s going to choose the girl.” I believe I may have done my hands as scales and implied that hot girl obviously out weighed beer pong. Ray replied that the hot girl could come watch beer pong, and I said “The hot girl is watching march madness, thus making her hotter.” Wrestler smiled and Ray left tail between his legs.

            Shortly thereafter, the now inebriated friends I was driving were ready to leave, and I jumped up to follow them out to my car. They had somehow obtained my keys. Wrestler stopped me and asked for my number. I, being genuinely interested, pointed to my friend Deb (who later married the guy who threw the party) and said she could give him my number. A little while later Deb texted and said “I gave that guy your real number, hope that’s what I was supposed to do.” Good ‘ole Deb.

            The next part of our romance was a whirlwind. There were all of 6 or 7 weeks before he left to meet a submarine in the Middle East and ride it back to the states, not returning until I had graduated and moved back to Alabama. There are a few more crowning moments that led to our engagement on August 4 and subsequent marriage in late December. I shall give them to you in brief and leave the engagement for another day.

            Lets see. Our first date, he made me stuffed shells for dinner. He did not know they were my favorite. We also watched Florida win yet another game in the march madness tournament. I spent the first few hours of the evening trying to figure out how to get him to ask to take me to a Ball I had the next day. He asked. He came. He got ignored. I was one of the folks who had planned it and was in charge, so I was constantly being called away for one thing or another. He was not mad, quite the opposite in fact, he was impressed that I was important. Quite the man, I thought. We didn’t get to dance so afterwards I followed him back to his condo and he sang to me while we danced together in front of the fireplace for the first time. We fell asleep talking in front of the fire.

            We spent at least some time together every day thereafter until he took me to the airport so I could fly across the country to visit an ex boyfriend. I know – not my brightest moment, but it obviously worked out. I spent the weekend dodging kisses and texting with him (the wrestler).

Before I got back to Virginia, he had left for the Middle East. As much as I liked this guy, I rationally believed we might keep in touch for a while and then things would fizzle and I would end up working at a law firm in Alabama and joining eHarmony to find a mate.

For the most part our only form of communication was email for the rest of our relationship leading up to our engagement. There were a few phone calls and one 36 hour visit. He never met my parents and asked for my hand in marriage essentially in an email from the submarine somewhere under the Atlantic (at least I assumed they were under the Atlantic).

In the end we were married nine months and eleven days after the “hot girl watching March Madness” won out over beer pong. He hasn’t made stuffed shells since.

Pediatricians and a Risk of Death

            I promised a blog about my horrid pediatrician experience a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve decided, as I sit watching my very happy and not burning with a fever ‘under vaccinated’ child play, that now is as good a time as any. Directly after all of the events when my emotions were raging might, arguably, have been the most amusing time for me to write...

I was providentially prevented from having my baby boy vaccinated before we left Tennessee (thanks Tricare). Thus I found myself with more than a month before we could get an appointment with the new pediatrician and tons of time on my hands. In that time, I found myself in a new town with nothing to do except read posts on facebook and catch up on all the correspondence and thinking that an impending move with a 6 week old baby had left me no time to do. That’s right, being pregnant, giving birth, and having a new born had left my brain at a depleted capacity – incapable of multifaceted thought.

With all this time I found myself watching the long YouTube video a friend posted to my Facebook wall about vaccines. I was skeptical, but I did know a kid when I was younger who was severely mentally handicapped because of a vaccine gone awry. The aluminum content argument intrigued me if not convinced me, thus I read a book – The Vaccine Book – by Dr. Robert W. Sears. I am sure I wouldn’t agree with everything the man has written (he is indeed prolific), but this book laid out the facts, some of which I will relay here.

His book lays out each vaccine. He starts with an explanation of the disease the vaccine is intended to help prevent including whether it is common and what the chances are of your child actually contracting the disease if unvaccinated. He goes on to discuss when the vaccine is given, how it is made, what ingredients are in the vaccine and the known and reported side effects of the vaccine from common (things like low grade fever and grumpiness) to the more severe (paralysis). He then outlines reasons to get the vaccine, why some choose not to get it, things to consider, and finally a small section on how he sees it. I found all the information incredibly helpful.

After devouring this book one afternoon, I came to some conclusions. First, the argument made for an alternative vaccine schedule in which all the vaccines are given but the child does not receive more than two shots in any given month/visit seemed reasonable. IF the amount of aluminum in vaccines can cause damage to my child’s brain then taking a simple step to reduce the amount of aluminum his system has to deal with at one time thus alleviating any potential side affects is only logical – WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I NOT DO THAT? There is absolutely NO study, much less a definitive one, showing the aluminum is not harmful. And there is abundant other evidence to suggest it might very well be harmful – I see no need to blindly trust that it isn’t harmful and proceed as the government suggests when there is a perfectly acceptable alternative which seems to eradicate most of the risk. Thus we chose an alternative schedule.

Our good ole pediatrician is not a fan of our alternative schedule because she believes it is leaving our child open to catching deadly diseases while he is an infant. She refuses however to be straight forward about her dislike of our schedule instead couching everything in subtle and not so subtle innuendo, that is until the email after our last appointment – more on that later. Here I would like to note that the vaccines the suggested schedule front loads are the ones he is at a higher risk of actually catching and the ones with the greatest risk of doing him harm if he catches them (also a bit of genius in Dr. Sears’ plan).  Delayed are things like polio, hep A and B, flu, and the chicken pox.  Polio is delayed by a couple of months – NOT YEARS.

The real issue for our pediatrician (I guess I should call her our ex pediatrician, but I’ve not been assigned a new one yet so I’ll hold off) is that we have further chosen to ‘under vaccinate’ our child . Her words, not mine. The vaccines we are declining are chicken pox, Hep A, Hep B, and flu. The only ones he would have actually had by now are Hep B and the flu. That’s only here in RI – back in TN we aren’t behind at all.

At this juncture I would like to point out that at no time has our pediatrician tried to talk to us about why were are declining or delaying. She has only wanted to tell us we are being irresponsible and putting our child at a risk of death. Oh and that I have to be hyper vigilante should he go to the ER because he is under vaccinated – they will assume he is better vaccinated than he is and will take extra precautions if I tell them…(now that I know this – I would be tempted to lie so they’ll take the extra precautions).

I explain as briefly as possible why we are declining the four above mentioned vaccines at this time. Flu – it is NOT recommended for children under 2. Many other countries have actually banned the use of the vaccine we have available for children under 2 because of the very real risk of stroke. Need I go on?

 Hep B. We are declining it because many states no longer give Hep B to all children at birth. It is deemed unnecessary unless the mother has Hep B or one of the close family members to whom the child will frequently be exposed has it. Also it is a good idea for children who will be in day care and potentially exposed to Hep B from other children and child care professionals. I do not have Hep B. Hubby does not have Hep B. As a matter of fact no one we are related to or in regular contact with has Hep B. I am a stay at home mom and it will be years before he is left anywhere other than with a friend or family member. I guess I should also point out that another factor in our decision is that only 30 cases were reported in children under age 6 last year and most of those contracted it from their undiagnosed mothers at birth.

Hep A. It is a mild disease for young children. It has little to no risk of death. If exposed (which is improbable though not impossible) there is an immune globulin shot which can prevent contracting the disease. The potential side effects of this vaccine, though rare, when put up against the risk of not having it push me as a parent towards not getting it. The risk benefit analysis is just not there. Those potential side effects – seizure, bleeding disorders, Guillain- Barre – just to name a few.

Chicken Pox. The people at the highest risk of not just being itchy but actually dying are older teens and young adults – essentially college students. Having chicken pox and fighting through it as a kid gives you the best and longest lasting immunity. Far superior to the vaccine. Again the risk benefit analysis is not here for me on this one either. The known severe reactions are pneumonitis (severe inflammation in the lungs) and seizures due to fever. The risk of having one of these reactions is higher than the rare risk of death.

It is important to note here that we, as parents, have agreed to not give these shots at this juncture. However, we will give him the chicken pox vaccine if he hasn’t had it by the middle of high school naturally. Hep A and Hep B are on the table for him again as a teenager or should we travel to the third world before then. It is my understanding that the older he is the lower the risk for many of the harmful side effects – also refer back to the aluminum thoughts earlier mentioned.

My biggest frustration with the pediatrician is her inability to have an open and honest dialogue with us about our decisions. I would have happily shared our decision making process with her and would have been happy to hear her thoughts. HOWEVER, when you do not engage me in conversation and then accuse me of putting my child at a serious risk of death, I question your medical ethics. I am considering reporting her to the medical board of Rhode Island. She insinuated while we were in the office that we were taking a great risk. Her nurse actually said to us in a very dramatic and almost tear filled way that her least favorite part of her job was when “infants come in BURNING, just BURNING up on fire [b/c they are under vaccinated]. Those children always end up at the children’s hospital in Providence and we have no way of knowing how it will turn out” Implication that all of those things are because of a lack of a vaccine. Then to have our visit followed up with an email in which she corrects my vaccine schedule (helpful information about # of vaccines b/c of the brand – info I had asked for) condescendingly, and then followed with a clear statement that we are putting our child at a high risk of death because we are declining these vaccines. A lesser person might be intimidated to do it her way. I thank God I’m a stubborn pain in the butt at moments like this.